The narrow gate

6:22 p.m. Today's project was to teach our Thursday Bible study, on I Samuel 19, a chapter that opens with murderous intrigue, moves on to determined and deadly pursuit, but ends with the Holy Spirit's divine intervention to protect David, the man after God's own heart.






As we shared today, with open discussion throughout the teaching time, so many of our group of women are in serious trials of physical affliction, financial duress, uncertainty in critical matters with deadlines, or facing the loss of a loved one. Some of the issues, like my husband's mental decline, are frightening; other issues verify the steady harassment of the devil against the child of God. Yet, testimonies of grace and guidance from God's Spirit uplift us continually, in large matters and small. God is with us!

My devotion this morning, from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers, was very challenging in regard to trials, and I will be quoting portions from the July 7th message:

Enter ye at the strait gate...because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way..." Matthew 7:13-14.

If we are going to live as disciples of Jesus, we have to remember that all noble things are difficult. The Christian life is gloriously difficult, but the difficulty of it does not make us faint and cave in, it rouses us up to overcome. Do we so appreciate the marvelous salvation of Jesus Christ that we are our utmost for His highest?

...

If we obey the Spirit of God and practice in our physical life what God has put in by His Spirit, then when the crisis comes, we shall find that our own nature as well as the grace of God will stand by us.

Thank God He does give us difficult things to do! His salvation is a glad thing, but it is also a heroic, holy thing. It tests us for all we are worth. Jesus is bringing many "sons" to glory, and God will not shield us from the requirements of a son. God's grace turns out men and women with a strong family likeness to Jesus Christ, not milksops. It takes a tremendous amount of discipline to live the noble life of a disciple of Jesus in actual things. It is always necessary to make an effort to be noble.

It's hard to see the nobility in raising the funds to put a strong spring on the above-pictured gate so the dogs won't get out again, including paying someone to do it. But that's the kind of task I find myself confronted with, along with re-teaching my husband table manners, dressing and grooming. But aren't we tested "in the arena" of everyday discipleship? I confess that my temperament fails more tests than it passes, but each day the Lord gives me a fresh word from scripture, and a fresh start, with encouragement so supernaturally uplifting that it can only be from Him. There's no other way to account for the joy and excitement I live in daily, the keen anticipation of a mighty work in my life, not a wish, but an assurance that God is with me!

The gate and the way to eternal life are narrow and difficult indeed, but the Light that goes before me is Jesus Himself.

Notifications

5:13 p.m. Today's project was to notify our many family members and friends of the cancellation of Steve's and my 30th anniversary renewal of wedding vows slated for August 6th.

When Pastor John reminded me at the Calvary Chapel Moreno Valley baptism last week that we needed to make an appointment to organize the ceremony, I thanked him but saw the need toan to prayerfully reconsider the feasibility of going through with the event. Steve had done decently well at Heidi's wedding, other than muffing his "her mother and I do" line, and not knowing to come and sit with me after releasing Heidi to Pavel. The audience probably didn't notice I had to call him over, so it was all good.

I had already begun to grapple with the changes Steve was evincing in his behavior, especially towards visitors, even the siblings and cousins he'd grown up with. For example, we had a lovely visit from his sister Linda and her husband, along with cousins Sandra and Chuck Riegler and Bill Weigand four days before the wedding. Steve did well in talking, but as we were all gathered around the dining room table, talking about memories of cars they drove, a topic that Steve normally loves, even if he couldn't remember the specifics or speak very much in the conversation. But instead of just enjoying family as he always does, he just got up and left the table and went outdoors!

At Heidi's wedding reception, he was very confused, but I kept at his side except for the times I directed him to sit with our family, so I could take pictures, coordinate with our wedding helpers, do the money dance, or just visit around with all of our guests. Anything to keep him from being embarrassed or feeling left out, I did, like I do in every social situation. And that usually works to keep Steve calm and included.

Ecclesiastes 9:10 says, "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might," and that's where the Lord has led me in keeping my husband as physically and socially as well as possible. At my Bible study the Thursday before the wedding, the ladies prayed intensely that all of Steve's extra confusion would go away along with the uproar and commotion we were experiencing, bless their hearts.

But it was not to be. We had company the day after the wedding, which Steve actively participated in and enjoyed, and then our grandsons stayed over for 5 days, which is pretty normal several times a year, if not an everyday occurence. But Steve has gone deeper into himself, not speaking, shaking, and having odd outbursts. When Pavel, Heidi and his parents came over to open gifts last Sunday afternoon, Pavel's dad sat with him on the couch in the family room, and Steve stared straight ahead, ignoring him completely! Later, during the happy and exciting time opening presents, while the rest of us were laughing and commenting, not exactly a low-key scene, he fell asleep!

As I've mentioned before, there was not the typical interest shown in the full day of car repair on the 4th, nor much recognition of our dinner guests who brought fabulous tri-tip with them to barbeque. Howard and Charlotte are a couple we see often. They had driven us to church on Sunday just the day before, but Steve offered little interaction then either.

Sometimes we just have to give up a special dream we've had in face of the evidence God lays out for us to view. Steve's Alzheimer's is in an entirely different phase today than it was months ago when he enthusiastically helped me plan the music and the ceremony, even if he didn't have a great recall of the details--that would be my job as his wife anyway! One of our roles as wives is that of social secretary, and as Proverbs 18:22 says, "he who finds a wife finds a good thing, and finds favor with the LORD." May it always be so for Steve.

I pray, as we plan a lovely evening with our kids, their spouses and significant others for August 6th, that Steve and I might experience the continual joyous renewal of our vows with which God blesses those who marry in His name and for His glory!

Expanding the brain

6:18 p.m. Today's project was to replenish the radiator coolant in my Jeep before driving it at 7 a.m. to the O'Reilly's auto parts store on University Street, where I then purchased two additional quarts of transmission fluid to add to our new transmission before an early morning trip to Redlands. My dad hired Steve to trim some palm trees on his driveway, and wanted to beat the heat.

These tasks are nothing I have ever done, because my dad serviced all of our cars as I grew up, later on, boyfriends helped out, and in 1981, I married Steve, an expert mechanic for every make of car we owned. Only this year did I have to hire a young man to replace our brake pads because Steve can no longer figure out the tasks he excelled in from boyhood. He doesn't even hang out by the car observing and chatting--it's as if he cannot remember what would be of interest to him normally. And that's okay, because those whom come over to help us understand his situation and don't need assistance anyway.

That left me to attempt to grasp car mechanic's lingo in a laywoman's brain that heretofore had never developed the spatial intelligence/mechanical sections. (But give me a writing assignment, a word puzzle or a "big-picture" organizational project, and I'm all over it)! Since you can't contract with a technician without discussion and details explained, you have to listen and ask questions, FOCUS, look up vehicle maintenance records, FOCUS, and grasp the problem as best you can. I put the main problem in caps because I am always the one looking for the completed vision and end result!

Life on the ground rarely works that way, as my late mother constantly chided, "Dana, your head's in the clouds! Daydreaming again!" Becoming a mother of five did bring me down to earth quite remarkably, but details just aren't my passion. Thank the Lord for people whose passion is details, because they are the ones we rely on to beautify our lives, like my sewing and artistic friends, as well as keep us safe on the road, like our mechanic! The variety of personalities and talents among people is God's idea. Romans 12:4-8 lays out the gifts God gives to believers:

For as we have many members in one body, but all the members do not have the same function, so we, being many, are one body in Christ, and individual members of one another. Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, let us use them: if prophecy let us prophesy in proportion to our faith; or ministry, let us use it in our ministering; he who teaches, in teaching; he who exhorts, in exhortation; he who gives, with liberality; he who leads with diligence; he who shows mercy, with cheerfulness.

Giving some thought to the extent that I was out of my depth with automotive matters, I happened upon a brain-training course called Lumosity on a website for 50+ folks who want to enjoy maximum physical and mental health. The course asks you for the areas of intelligence that you believe are lacking and offers computer exercises to help create the growth in brain connections--"synapses"--that research shows grow with added learning. So I selected spatial intelligence, calculation and reaction time. The games were fun, and I had Steve sit with me for one of them on reaction speed. I just need to make a habit of spending a few minutes a day with the exercises.

Today I realized that the trials we've come through in the last two years with Steve's advancing Alzheimer's have forced me to learn new skills, or be able to explain the steps in skills he needs to complete tasks. In response to the need of the moment, God has given me new mechanical skills and practical ones as well. My mother would be amused to see me in action these days!

My trust in the Lord has grown hugely with the direction our lives has taken, because as Jesus assured us in Matthew 6:8,

Your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him.

Amen to that! I would never have voluntarily learned to put fluids into a radiator or a transmission, or run the sprinkler system, or smoke-bomb gophers, or glue back the front door's frame until it could be repaired correctly.

But He who knew what every day of my life would entail before the foundations of the earth, knew the skills I would need to develop today. Praise Him!!

All fixed--for now

9:58 p.m. Today's project was to have our Jeep transmission replaced by our mechanic and brother in the Lord, Steve Kirkwood.

He arrived at 9:30 on the 4th of July, the only day he had open in his busy schedule of working for a couple of businesses and helping friends with his tremendous talent. His wife had to work today at Barnes & Noble, just like our son Kriss had to work at Starbucks. The sun never sets, it seems, on popular retail chains!

The first half of Steve's day was taken up by removing the old transmission, and thanks be to the Lord that there was at least a breeze flowing under the (literally) jacked-up Jeep! It was a hot, heavy kind of summer day, but he worked right along. His first break came at lunchtime, when he joined my husband Steve, my dad and me for barbequed hamburgers, potato salad, and corn on the cob. My Steve did a great job with the gas grill, as well as keeping up all his regular chores. We all discussed biblical child rearing, especially the ministry his oldest son has with Mission Aviation Fellowship, now living with his family in on the other side of the world.

Back to work for Steve, leaving my husband, my dad and me to visit for a while longer. Daddy had to go, having had a fine afternoon, and that gave me time to make my notes for Thursday's Bible study on I Samuel 19. In this chapter, jealous King Saul first promises his son Jonathan that he won't harm military hero and son-in-law David; then, in a fit of rage caused by an evil spirit, hurls a javelin at David while he plays the harp to soothe Saul's nerves! Thanks to some trickery by his wife Michal, David manages to escape from his house.

In an interesting wrap-up to the chapter, David ran to Saul's former mentor the prophet Samuel, and "told him all that Saul had done to him" (v.18). The King sends group after group of messengers to take David, but they end up joining Samuel's group of prophets and prophesying themselves! Finally, King Saul goes to Samuel's town of Naioth in Ramah to capture David himself. In an amazing turn of events,

Then the Spirit of God was upon him (Saul) also, and he went on and prophesied until he came to Naioth in Ramah. And he also stripped off his clothes and prophesied before Samuel in like manner, and lay down naked all that day and all that night. Therefore they say, "Is Saul also among the prophets?"

Boy--off on a mission with murderous intent, only to be touched by the Spirit of God! Does that mean that Saul was delivered of his eveil spirit permanently, or that he would stop pursuing David? We know the history--Saul pursued David for 10 years!

More to the point in our walk with the Lord, do we consistently walk in trust and obedience to Him no matter what hardships or disappointments come our way? Or do we wait to experience an occasional spiritual "high," whether by fellowship with strong believers, or inspired by a Sunday morning message, vow to do the right thing once again, but return to living under Satan's control like before? Are we counting on religious experiences and actions that appear to be operating in Jesus' name for proof that we are saved?

Be very, very careful!

Jesus said in Matthew 7:21-23,

"Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter into the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, 'Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?' And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!' "

Don't be like my Jeep, a material item that is fixed and will be running beautifully for a period of time, but will inevitably wear out and end up on a junk heap like very other car ever made, given enough time.

Make a true, real, commitment to Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, come what may in this life, and reap the reward of eternal life in His presence!

Perfection not required here

5:01 p.m. Today's project was to wake up at 5 a.m. for a ride to church with our friends Howard and Charlotte at 7:10. (Our Jeep won't be fixed until tomorrow). I did try to scare up a ride to second service, but the only Calvary Chapel Moreno Valley friend who lives close by had ministry obligations during all three services.

I'm not really a princess; it's just that after a long day of helping Heidi and Pavel move their things from the house, gardening, reorganizing my office and guest bedroom, and practicing on the stickshift Ford Escort, I didn't get to bed very early. I'd started on a project for my business, putting together color cosmetic looks for parties in snack-size ziploc bags, and only had 8 packets to go. However, the components--samples of 3 coordinating eyeshadows, and a blush-- were all over one side of the kitchen table. Now that bugged me, even though it's just Steve and me at home, certainly no little kids around to scramble up the combinations I'd laid out. I just cannot go to bed with a mess anywhere in my house--even a perceived mess! (However, I do think there's an exception to be made for a newlywed daughter's old bedroom at least for a couple of weeks).

So after helping Steve adjust his C-pap mask for the night, I stayed up watching "Amen" on the Gospel Music Channel, and finished my packets. As I told Charlotte this morning on the way to church, "At least it was only 11:30 and not 1 a.m. when I went to bed!" Just as well I wasn't driving after all...

There is no perfection in this life, no matter how hard some of us try to be prayerful, prepared, presentable and precise. Even when scriptures such as Colossians 4:12, where Epaphras' prayer for the believers is "that you may stand perfect and complete in all the will of God," use our English word "perfect," the Greek word is teleios, the idea of mature, fully grown, or complete. On the other hand, teleioteros gives a comparative degree, and is used in Hebrews 9:11 to describe the very presence of God! Quite a difference, I'd say! You and I are going to get just so far in this life, so there's no sense exhausting or condemning ourselves if our actual achievement never quite measures up to our plan or mental picture!

I have always loved the way the Apostle Paul "encourages the Philippians to pursue Christ and the hope of heaven with determination and strength" (Mohrlang). Philipians 3:12-14, NLT:

I don't mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

Use your gifts and fulfill your responsibilities, but keep your eyes on the prize: the high calling of God in Christ Jesus!

Moving into new opportunities

6:29 p.m. Today's project was to help Heidi and Pavel move the queen-sized bed from our guest room to their new house via his dad's truck. We loaded up several other large items like her bedroom desk and chair, clothes and toiletries on this busy day of return from their Maui honeymoon.

Steve and I prepared by taking off the bedclothes, since they have their own, and moving many of the piles of gifts to her bedroom to ease the path of the mattress, pad, and box spring. As parents, I think Steve and I have prepared our minds and hearts for the day our last child left home, not for a few years for college or the military, but to set up their own home.

Sean left home for the Marine reserves in 1993 upon high school graduation, married a few years later, began his family, and has spent only short periods of time here since, and lives nearby. Kriss left for Cal State Long Beach as a freshman in 2001, graduated, and has now been married to Marisela, who was raised there, for almost two years. Heather married almost three years ago; she and Nick live a few miles west of us here in town. Steven has been living in Fresno the last two years, and has made a life for himself there in school, work and ministry.

So middle child Heidi is a newlywed of one week's duration, so cute! She and her husband are now in their adorable little house in Redlands, not far from my dad, and across the street from my old high school.

As Dr. James Dobson always taught, parents raise our children to leave. There's no sense in trying to stall the inevitable moment or act shocked and at a loss--you knew the day was coming! Since Steve and I have had 30 years of child rearing and the limited privacy that all parents cope with, last night after our grandsons left, we high-fived each other at our quiet evening and the actual choice of what to watch on tv! What will we do with all this freedom and autonomy?

First off, the Lord showed me a really good business opportunity. I had Steve take the twin bed that was in the office downstairs to the upstairs bedroom, freeing the entire office for my Mary Kay inventory, paperwork, supplies and displays of new products. Thus, I can write off the entire room as office space next tax year. (And our entryway is a lot less cluttered). Next, I set up the guest bedroom decently, with an extra light and the made-up twin bed so Steven has a place to sleep when he comes home. Once we open Heidi's wedding gifts with both families Sunday afternoon and they take them home, Lord willing, I plan to clean up and straighten up her bedroom and bath, preparatory to renting them out.

If these plans don't meet with God's approval, then He will show me something else, on that I can rely!

God has a plan for every one of us who chooses to follow Jesus, that will more than suffice for every stage of our lives; in fact, His plan is immeasurably superior to anything we can come up with. While our plans are for the day, month or year, His plans for us began before we were conceived and stretch into an infinite eternity! And God's plans for me are always fresh and exhilarating, if challenging and intense--His plans are all that and more.

Psalm 139:15-16 says (NLT),

You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in Your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

As to guidance for a senior citizen and empty nester? Hear Psalm 73:23-26 (NLT):

Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.

Thank you, Lord, for all of my tomorrows!

In time of trial, Part II: The Value of a Husband

4:17 p.m. Today's project was to coordinate the details of the Jeep's transmission repair with our mechanic Steve Kirkwood. If it weren't for his professionalism and fair prices, I'd be looking at coming up with the cost of both mortgage payments to have our dealer Moss Motors repair it!

Despite my utter ignorance of car matters, having never even changed oil or a flat tire on any of the cars I've owned the last 40 years, there's simply no one else to handle this. My husband Steve, now having taken a turn for the worse with his Alzheimers, doesn't even recognize our mechanic, and showed little interest in visiting with him while he checked out some details under the chassis this morning. Yet, my Steve was such an expert mechanic all of his life that he used to rebuild engines, and would have gone to Pick-a-Part to get a used tranny or look up rebuilts in the Yellow Pages, and then arrange for a shop of his choice to repair my Jeep!

Honestly, to back up a couple of steps, Steve would have insisted that the dealership do a complete transmission flush at 60,000 miles, so that the transmission would not even have imploded in the first place! But there was simply no one else but me to handle it.

Nor did Steve acknowledge the drop-off of a loaner car from Matt and Sam, despite them coming over while he was here with his caregiver last night. Good thing I told them to leave the key with his caregiver! This morning, I took Steve out to the driveway with me to give the stick shift Ford Focus a try, praying it would jog some youthful memories and I'd get some direction. But he didn't even tell me to step on the clutch to get the car to turn over, and was as perplexed as I was when the car rolled backward onto the sidewalk. I haven't driven a manual transmission since 1967 in Driver's Ed at Redlands High School, with my dad taking me out in his VW bug in the evenings. Steve's Nissan Pathfinder had a stick, and he's licensed to drive forklifts, and could even drive a semi! Now he doesn't drive at all...

It dawned on me that the car hadn't turned over--duh--and I managed to finally step on the clutch, back out onto the street and park away from the mailboxes and fire hydrant, and was done for the day! Thank you Lord that I didn't kill myself or anybody else, or take out the mailboxes! Truly, as Lamentations 3:22-23 says (KJV),

It is of the LORD's merceis that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.

In sending so many friends to come alongside us in our current trials, not only has God shown His utter and immutable faithfulness, but He has shown me, and prayerfully other women who may read this, the value of a husband!

Not one of the issues that arose this week would have even happened if my husband were in his right mind. The Jeep's tranny issue was preventable; Steve would not have left the gate open for the dogs to escape; he would have had the front door repaired within the hour. We now have inoperable sprinklers that were part of an extensive automatic watering system Steve created and controlled for 23 years that I can barely operate manually; lost keys to the 6 foot tall professional tool chest that would be the envy of any full-time mechanic, now not even saleable; misplaced household items that cause me no little amount of stress when I need them; lack of fatherly mentoring for our youngest son, and Steve's minimal interations with our children's spouses who will never know him as the funny, energetic, hardworking, high successful, godly family leader and example he was--how much Alzheimer's has stolen from our family in the past two years!

I rarely reflect on what I've lost personally, because scripture and my personal bent is toward "pressing toward the mark" (Philippians 3:14), looking forward to God's next fresh work. I do feel sad when I think of the legacy we have built together as a couple--a legacy of a Christ-cenered, if imperfect, family life from which he won't reap the reward of personal satisfaction meant to grace the last years of life. One of God's great gifts to believers is the thousands of memories of His faithfulness, and the ability to reflect upon a life lived for Him, surrounded by children and grandchildren, looking into young adult and eventually, middle-aged faces and remembering the happy noisy children they once were. And what is sweeter than sitting with long-time friends, sharing memories and ministries we once did together?

These gifts are not for Steve to open.

While we still have great times together as a couple, and share the Lord together in prayer and the Word, time is running out, pure and simple. Steve took a very bad turn for the worse this week, which many are praying was caused by the wedding and lots of compnay at home, a break in Steve's routine. If his current confusion is not a fluke but a harbinger, then the Lord will carry us forward without sugarcoating, but with comfort, guidance, help and the deep joy that comes from accepting His will.

That's why we're planning our renewal of vows for our 30th anniversary August 6th, so Steve may enjoy the blessings, love and well wishes of friends and family while he can.

As he valiantly tries to do his best with simple every day tasks, always wanting to be productive and helpful, I value my husband even more!