I can identify, can you?

10:28 p.m. Today's project was to teach I Samuel Chapter 20 to our growing Bible study group. In this chapter, raging obsessive King Saul goes completely over the edge, cursing out his son Jonathan as a bastard, a fool and a traitor for not turning David over to be killed--so Jonathan can ascend to the throne after him. (Both Saul and Jonathan know the prophecy concerning David as the next king of Israel, but instead of accepting God's word as Jonathan does, Saul is determined to preserve his royal line).

The coup de grace comes when Saul publicly hurls a spear at his own son, who has honored his father at all times, sending him out of the New Moon feast in a rage.

We reflected as a group on what Jonathan's emotions must have been at that point. Of course he was enraged, as scripture points out. But what about shame for his father's disgraceful, violent, public behavior? Finding himself in the horrible position of being "caught in the middle" of a one-sided war between two people he loved? Loyal to his father to his dying day, while knowing that Saul was demented and demon-oppressed, the Holy Spirit having left him long ago? Compassion toward his father, remaining in his service to be that godly advisor to the throne? And just as impactfully, Jonathan had literally lost his best friend.

Those of us who have dealt with or are dealing with a loved one with mental illness can identify with Jonathan, we all realized. The real person, the parent who treated us with kindness, selflessly focusing on the best for us, is gone, having become spiteful, bitter, verbally or even physically abusive, due to dementia. Or worse yet, doesn't recognize us at all.

In my case, a husband who was never happier than when helping others with any kind of electrical, building or auto repair at no charge, who set up our computers, entertainment systems and installed our phones and sprinkler systems at two houses, can barely peel a banana due to Alzheimer's. A man who bought his first home with his own earnings at 24, ended a wonderful career by age 53, far too young to be retired. He could not maintain a thought long enough to reliably follow through on directions. In a manufacturing environment, that was dangerous and costly. He doesn't remember the places he worked, even when I point out that we are driving through the cities where the plants are located.

Yet the Spirit is still with my Steve! He loves to worship, and has a memory of hundreds of praise songs that enables him to close his eyes and fully focus on each song. Praise the Lord! It is truly amazing that a person who cannot remember to form coherent sentences at times, can obey Ephesians 5:19,

...speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord.

When a believer is filled with the Holy Spirit, all things are possible, as the Originator of song, gives a song to our heart and mind, even in the night (Job 35:10), and in the night places of fear and dread of the future. Jesus goes before my husband and me, and our children, no matter how our family dynamics change due to Alzheimer's!

Psalm 32:7, penned by David to rejoice in restored relationship with God, wrote these words of hope that comprised a popular worship song of the 1980s:

You are my hiding place;

You shall preserve me from

trouble;

You shall surround me with

songs of deliverance.

Selah.

On her own!

5:04 p.m. Today's project was to have a nice mother-daughter visit over at the home of newlywed Mrs. Heidi Ilie. I purposely waited until this week, because her husband Pavel went back to work after two weeks off. You may not know it, but Deuteronomy 24:5 says,

When a man has taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war or be charged with any business; he shall be free at home one year, and bring happiness to his wife whom he has chosen.

Looks like Pavel owes her 50 more weeks!

So Heidi's had a couple days on her own at home, training their new dog and taking care of business. It wasn't hard for me to give her some space. I've been so busy with my Bible study, beauty business and the marketing and promotion of my book, Galatians: An Exploration of Faith & Freedom, that I wasn't really tempted to call or text in between the couple's Sunday afternoon visits, when they check their Facebook pages and photographer website for the wedding pictures that have been posted, and pick up items from her room to take to their darling little house.

I miss my daughter, but it's different than when she lived at University of Redlands for four years, then in an apartment for a year. This is for keeps, just like for her dad and me, "till death do us part." Thus there's no reason to get maudlin about God's perfect will for her life with a man who loves the Lord, first and foremost, and loves Heidi with all his heart. I could tell from when we've seen them that Pavel is one happy man, and Heidi is very content also!

That's our Lord for you! "He does all things well." (Mark 7:37)

I love the crazy odd closets and corners that come with an older house! The nice glassed-in pantry, a very good-sized storage barn, finished patio and well kept grounds are just right for them. And Sammy, their chihuahua/whippet mix, is very excited, made friends with grandma right away, and is a good walker. He's still getting used to his crate, and loves to show off his furry squeak toy. Everything is tidy--she's my daughter, after all--and the furniture choices they've made are tasteful. Their next goal is to get a floor-to-ceiling bookcase.

We visited for a while and then went off to Verizon to reorganize our Friends and Family plan. I also looked at the Smart Phones I'm eligible for with my upgrade, but do not like the buy-in of $159! Guess I'll keep Krazy Glueing the phone I have.

Heidi treated me to some yummy nuggets, my Chik-Fil-A favorites, and described her and friend Bibi's sharing with a Jehovah Witness gal yesterday. I'm proud that she is so well equipped, and will only grow stronger in the Word with each passing year.

A friend posted a quote that I blogged about a few months ago, about the cruel destiny of mothers who pour their lives into their children, only to have them leave one at a time. If that left me empty, it would be a cruel fate indeed! I have known mothers who go into deep depression when their nest becomes empty; it's fairly common. BUT, I feel confident in the upbringing the Lord led Steve and me to give our children, to see them (generally) choosing a direction in life, accomplishing their educational goals, working hard, and above all, following Jesus Christ. And to watch their young marriages flourish is a treat, a comfort far beyond missing having another person at home to bounce ideas off of besides my husband. After 30 years, Steve tends to agree pretty easily, and I truly love vigorous discussion and varied points of view myself!

Heidi has noticed little differences that vary between things they both will learn to adjust to in living with another person, to things I warned her she'll still be talking about 30 years from now, and we had some good chuckles as wives--some aspects of life around the house with a member of the opposite sex are universal! Decades of joy and growth will be a special treasure they'll share in the Lord. And like all committed Christian couples, they'll have the Holy Spirit's guidance through it all.

I pronounce myself wholly satisfied with my daughter's marital well being, and assured that the Lord Jesus has taken up residence in the Ilie home!

And so we wait...

8:57 p.m. Today's project was to continue my study notes and begin writing my Bible study for Thursday. We'll be discussing I Samuel 20, where David awaits word from his friend Jonathan as to the state of King Saul's mind toward him. Jonathan states that his father would have told him if he had evil intentions toward David; but David is not convinced, and is rightfully wary of Saul's previously demonstrated murderous jealousy. "There is but one step between me and death," he declares in verse 3.

It was a tense 3 days, I would imagine, as David waited for the inevitable bad news that he must run for his life. With vows of loyalty and a renewal of the covenant between them, Jonathan and David part ways and David becomes an outlaw, though innocent of any wrongdoing.

Several believers I know are awaiting news that will be life changing, for better or worse. One couple is waiting on a signature from one manager that will determine whether they can complete the sale of their home. (And the person just left it on his desk the last few days, unsigned)! Another friend is awaiting Social Security approval, though she has been disabled for a number of years. Still another is waiting for results of an MRI, CT scan, and blood tests. These matters are worrisome, and the consequences are huge if the answers are undesirable or even devastating...

Steve and I are waiting for funds to make our house payment and pay other bills, thanks to a blown transmission and our dogs needing to be retrieved from the County Animal Shelter (Steve left the gate open one afternoon). On a less critical note, I am waiting to see if this year's garden is going to produce full-sized vegetables, or should we just stop the costly irrigation and strenuous hours of work, shovel it under and start again next year with Garden Number 4?

After 10 years of running, David did become king of Israel after the deaths of Saul and Jonathan, and the defeat of their loyalists. And God has proved faithful to my family and me over the last 31 years; He has never failed me. It was a 7-year wait after having a 1 millimeter cancer removed from my breast before I could get life insurance at a normal price; and 24 years before a hand-typed Bible study of Galatians became a published book. If you are under the age of 24 I guess that gives you some perspective on waiting for the Lord's timing!

Weight loss, finishing college and grad school, changing the Riverside school board's education policy, my kids becoming adults, achieving career steps in the education profession and in my current Mary Kay business, seeing my Galatians study sold nationwide and used in church groups-- all have taken or are currently taking time. There is no sense fretting, because God knows what He has in mind for each of us. And so we wait...

I am happy to report that unlike David, no one is hunting me down to kill me, but Alzheimer's is daily killing my husband's comprehension, confidence, coordination and cheer. He is still trying to keep up with his daily tasks, but he's giving up a little faster, and is more hesitant to try new things than before. Morning disorientation is becoming more frequent and his enjoyment of social situations is slipping along with his speech, which had been improving the last few months. Thankfully and praise God, we are as close as ever, and I wouldn't trade my early retirement for anything. The last two years have been precious! God has given us so much to be thankful for!

While lack of patience is pretty much a trait of my task- and goal-oriented personality, Steve's disease progression towards complete loss of memory and recognition of loved ones is one benchmark I am willing to wait for as long as possible!

STILL THE ONE

9:45 p.m. Today's project was to spend the day with the man God designed for me from before the foundation of the world, just as He designed me for Steve.

We met at a home Bible study taught by Tim Weeks, now pastor of Calvary Chapel Grass Valley, but a leader at Calvary Chapel Riverside, in 1980. I had just gotten saved and had only been attending Calvary for a few weeks when I was invited to the Friday night study hosted by John and Cindy Collins. Pastor John Collins is now head of the Harvest Crusade ministries). The group was comprised of several singles and some couples. I remember thinking that Steve seemed very quiet, but was also very handsome sitting over in his corner!

As a divorced single mom with plenty of the world behind me, I wasn't looking for any more boyfriends; in fact, I was convicted to leave an ungodly relationship I was in. One Wednesday night at church, I made my decision, and with encouragement from more mature believers, I moved my son Sean and me in with my mom in Mentone, east of Redlands. But, despite moving 20 miles further away, I kept coming to Calvary, got inolved in children's ministry, listened to Bible studies constantly on the radio, and felt especially compelled to keep coming to the Friday night study.

It's funny, but one of my favorite songs that Steve and I listen to on my iPod is "Coffee Shop" by Landon Pigg, about the compulsion a young man has for coming into an old coffee shop day after day, when it dawns on him that he's coming to see a girl who works there. It's a plaintive song in a minor key, and always brings tears to my eyes, because God compelled me to persevere in attending the faraway study I loved and learned from, because that's where my future husband was! Steve never missed, either...

Yet we never had a personal conversation until one night Tim had us break bread and pray with another person. I don't even remember how Steve and I ended up partners--other than God did it! I don't think sparks flew, but we began talking one on one from that point on. He told me later he'd been praying for a wife ever since he bought a house in Riverside on his own. But I wasn't praying for a husband. Being a single Christian with lots of new, wholesome, funny and encouraging friends, and now teaching at Grace Baptist school where Sean attended preschool, made every day a joyful adventure! I lacked nothing, or so it seemed to me.

But the single life was not to be for long. Just like Abraham's servant, a type of the Holy Spirit, brought Rebekah to Isaac while he was meditating in a field (Genesis 24:62-65) so the Spirit brought me to Steve, in a white Thunderbird rather than on a camel!

Among our single friends, another yong man had shown an interest, and I think we had coffee together once, but just as friends. Then Steve and I and two male friends from Bible study went to see the movie "Popeye" at a theater near the Tyler Mall. He and I sat next to each other and had some personal conversation that sparked an interest. I believe we occasionally went to Wendy's and out to pizza, but in a group most of the time. Not what you'd call a hurried courtship!

One night at an "afterglow," where believers would continue meeting after the service on Sunday evenings, using the gifts of the Spirit and praying, God told me clearly that Steve was the man I would marry. So be it, there's no arguing with the Lord!

We began dating and by January 1981 we were holding hands at Bible study! Sean liked Steve because he fixed his broken toys and slowly became the father he was missing. (Steve adopted him 2 years later). Steve proposed on Valentine's Day and on July 11, with our families and church friends in attendance at Calvary Chapel Riverside, with me wearing a lacy, designer white gown made for me by my maid of honor, and Steve in a tan western-style tuxedo, we were married.

God has given us a wonderful life, raising our five children and now in early retirement because of his Alzheimer's. But when we embraced one another this evening, we could have been those newlyweds in Palm Springs in 1981--only better!

Thank you, Lord, for Your creation and plan for marriage, the best way of life this side of heaven!

Exposed to the Son

6:30 p.m. Today's project was to check up on a few things: whether my son Steven got home from a San Jose bodybuilding event (he did, having placed 3rd in the Open Men's Heavyweight class, the youngest and only natural competitor); keep looking for Heidi and Pavel's toasting flutes; and see whether my recently uncovered watermelon mound was progressing.

The location of the flutes is still hidden from us all, so I've sent an email to the caterer and will contact everyone who helped us clean up after the wedding. They will turn up, I am sure, just a matter of God revealing to me whom to ask and where to look. I Corinthians 4:5 tells us that we can rely upon God to bring hidden things to light, so I'll stay cool!

The passage above refers to the day when Jesus will reveal and judge the counsels of each person's heart. But He is 100% familiar with the contents of our hearts this very moment, whether we try to hide the darker elements or not. Hebrews 4:12-13 says of God's revelatory word,

For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are naked and open to Him to whom we must give account.

I remember reading this passage as a new believer and feeling a chill go up my spine, probably because it tied in so well with my mother's admonitions to my sister and me that "God sees everything! He even knows what you're thinking!" Since I was not saved until 1980 when I was 28 years old, that always seemed scary. But even as I fall more in love with the Lord each day, there is an awesome, reverent, healthy fear of the Lord that should never, ever leave even the most experienced and mature saint! Because God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent!

Back to the watermelon mound. I had noticed that the seeds never germinated, even with the hot, sunny days, sand and compost mixed into the soil and the same amount of water their neighboring cantaloupe plants get, which are now spreading and flourishing. Yesterday Steve and I were out weeding, watering and generally straightening up the garden. I pocketed some nice-sized tomatillos as I was hoeing out the irrigation ditches at the back end of the plot, when the cause of the watermelon non-starters suddenly dawned on me. The huge tomatillo bushes had completely overgrown the watermelon mound, hogging all the sunlight and probably a good amount of the water, too. No wonder they didn't stand a chance, despite all of the nutritive help they'd been given!

They were not exposed to the sun.

As for us human beings, if we fear God's judgment and wish we could hide our motives from Him, no amount of "amendments" of fun, success or even staying on the down-low will help. We need to be exposed to the Sun of Righteousness, Jesus Christ the Son, and ask Him to forgive our sins, accept His death on the cross as all-sufficient to save us from a living death today and eternal death in hell. There is no other way to truly live, grow and thrive in this life, and in the life to come.

We need Son-exposure!

Texted to pray

5:42 p.m. Today's project started at 6:03 a.m. when I got a text from my youngest son Steven, saying , "Praise God, the headache is gone."



Steven had just gotten up in San Jose for his bodybuilding show at 6:30 p.m. What a praise report after his frantic text message of 8:50 p.m. last night!



Yesterday afternoon, he drove north from Fresno, and found cheap lodgings. His message to me last night read, "Pray for me I have the worst migraine I can't even get out of bed right now."

I texted all of Steven's siblings, his dad and I prayed, and then I thought, let me notify my almost 600 Facebook friends, and especially the "Post a Prayer" FB ministry administrated by my dear friend Linda Martinez. I answered my son back, "go lie down in the dark," but he reminded me that he had to apply his body color and needed to eat at 11:00 p.m. per his very strict dietary routine. While I stayed in communication with Steven all evening, prayer was flowing forward from around the country for him.

It was humbling and inspiring to see believers praying, and I posted many thank yous! Yet, despite the hope and faith I had in God's ability and willingness to heal, the devil had these barbs to toss at me:

1. Should you have given Steven $30 for a room?


2. What if it's not God's will for him to compete?


3. Isn't it a sign he shouldn't be in San Jose, since his sponsor fell through on the lodging?


4. His migraine won't go away, so all that time and money wasted!


5. What if it's an aneurysm?


6. He'll die all alone.


7. Better find out what motel he's in, in case he dies!


8. Then it will be your fault because he wouldn't have had money to stay in a motel!

From the "practical" to the absurd, were the tormenting thoughts that hit me because my child was hurting 6 hours away! In confronting these taunts from the accuser of the brethren, the old serpent, the devil (Revelation 11:10, 20:2), I kept praying and calling to mind the prayers of the saints on my son's behalf! (I did ask Steven where he was staying, and was glad he had a bed instead of his original plan of sleeping in a hotel lobby!) I love the way Revelation 5:8 speaks of the prayers of the saints being in the presence of the Lamb in heaven, as "golden bowls of incense." I felt and was bolstered by my friends and acquaintances, brothers and sisters in the Lord, praying for a young man most won't meet until we are all together in heaven!

There's no telling right now how Steven's bodybuilding contest will go, but he is healed and competing, with music from Christian rapper LeCrae for his theme song. My prayer is that the lyrics will be edifying for believers and convicting to the unsaved. My answer back to him on receipt of the good news of his migraine being gone was, "Now go out there and give God the glory!"

And that's the answer to this mom's prayers!

II Corinthians 1:3-4

8:14 p.m. Today's project was to comfort and be comforted. II Corinthians 1:3-4 says,



Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of all mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

A little after 11:30 this morning, I picked up a voicemail from my dad saying it was urgent that I return his call. His 4-year-old Weimaraner had died, he believes, by poisoning, because she was healthy and suddenly stopped eating about 10 days ago, then her appetite improved for a day or two. This morning he found her. "Glass mixed into hamburger seems to be the method dogs are being killed by here in Redlands," he said, and noted a morning when the dogs on his and the other side of the fence were barking furiously, he thinks at a burglar trying to break into a neighboring home where the people had been on a long vacation. The younger of his two dogs probably got to the meat first, and as a result, died a painful and cruel death. Daddy was needing information for which agency to call, since he knows we have been through three doggie deaths over the last 30 years, so I suggested Animal Control to start. Later she got picked up at no charge. So sad and disappointing, but we talked about it for a while, and he recovered his usual demeanor, full of ideas and advice as always.

Not long after, a customer and former teacher colleague came by to pick up a Mary Kay "Satin Hands" gift set, and we got onto the subject of her 90 year-old mother in severe late stage Alzheimer's. "Marnie" is trustee of her parents' trust, and had come from a tax appointment with the attorney, and then from talking with the renter in the home her parents had lived in. Her mom is now in a private home care setting, where she is known as Amazing Kay for her speedy escapes to visit friends who live nearby!

Yet, Kay doesn't know her daughter, calling her by the names of her own sisters. She wants to know how her own parents, dead for 50 years, are doing on their farm in Minnesota, and recently wrote them a letter. The memory picture albums Marnie brings over on her twice-weekly visits do little to jog her memory, but by the end of each visit, her mother does call her by name. "She's just not the mother I knew." We talked for a very long time, because it was much needed. Marnie is hurting and overwhelmed, but very glad she retired in 2008 to take care of her parents.

I don't fully understand dealing with this insidious disease in an elderly parent, but I know the Lord had me there to listen, comfort, assure Marnie she was doing the right thing, especially having moved her parents out of their home for safety reasons. Both her late father--stroke-induced dementia-- and her mother actually tried to escape a large and very well run facility, Integrated Care Communities, and accused Marnie of tricking them. "I still feel guilty about it, but I had no choice." My prayer is that a door of witness may be opened with my friend soon; only Jesus can cleanse from guilt and pain!

At 4 p.m., it was my turn to receive comfort and encouragement from my friend Candace, whom I'm helping start her Mary Kay business by giving her a basket full of fun summer products to sell to earn the money to invest in a New Consultant kit. As we looked through the "stocking stuffer"-priced goodies, she asked me about Steve, listened and truly empathized, because her mother-in-law had early-onset Alzheimer's and had become violent by age 60. This reached a point where living with the family was out of the question. Although my plan, Lord willing, is to have home care for Steve all the way through, I feel comforted to know that others have made the tough decisions and it's been for the best for everyone. I'm grateful to the Lord for His continual guidance and provision, and for those who have walked the path before me.

This week, several email messages of comfort and encouragement have come from family and friends in response to the cancellation of our 30th anniversary service and party, assuring me of continued prayer for Steve and me. I love our family and church family with all my heart!

What I appreciate most is the way my Lord Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father, "the God of all comfort" orchestrated each conversation today. Therefore I rest in Jeremiah 29:11:

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.