Coping strategies

2:53 p.m. Today's project was to find a way to express my reactions and emotions respectfully and lovingly to my dad after a very awkward week. Not easy, even at 58 and 82 years of age, but we need to deal directly and honestly with thorny issues in any relationship. It's time to clear the air!

On both Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday there had been some very odd communication breakdowns between my dad and me, times when a simple telephoned "heads-up" would have been welcome and effective. Steve's whereabouts and plans for the day (which he cannot pre-arrange or organize for himself any more) were at issue. Tuesday, Daddy drove Steve back to our house from his, while I killed time over in Redlands waiting to pick him up--which was our plan, repeated to both of them! When I called to say I was right nearby and would pick Steve up, Steve innocently told me that they were almost at our house! Daddy had driven him home-a heads-up would have been appreciated.

Wednesday, Daddy came over, to my surprise (Steve then told me he'd called) to work on a tire. We could have been gone on an outing or errand, since I didn't know! Praise the Lord it worked out. Friday, Steve and I had planned to get some gardening items from Home Depot after my chiropractor adjustment, and we both got ready. I heard the blasting noise of our generator as I came into the garage with my purse, thinking "what on earth?" and there was my dad again, with an impossible idea of patching a tire, Steve looking frustrated because he definitely still has mechanical skills, and them arguing as to whether Daddy had called first. (He had probably called Steve's cell and Steve didn't remember). I asked my dad to please call me from now on to make arrrangements, because again, we could have been gone on our planned errand! I ended up leaving to get my adjustment, and we went to Home Depot last night, not my favorite time to be in that part of town!

How to approach this? And what is it that I need to approach? I believe it has to do with the way we each choose to process tragic situations that we can't do anything about. After the last two years of Steve's development of Alzheimer's, I think my dad is probably in denial of the inevitable, and that his efforts in trying to teach Steve Sudoku puzzles are well meant, but baffling to his beloved son-in-law, actually, the only son he's ever had.

Sometimes, when Steve is doing great, intiating positive activities for himself and conversing well, I also try to disbelieve the facts of the situation! ("Maybe the 3 medications and all of the recommended supplements have kicked in!") My adult children are aware of what we are all facing, because they see the deterioration up close, but I am sure that the inherited nature of this disease in the Kruckenberg family is too painful for themto contemplate. It would certainly be for me. But unlike Daddy, they make all manner of arrangements through me--it only makes sense.

Would a "these are the facts" phone call do? Not if I were to be forced to endure accusations of exaggerating! Or, if Daddy comprehended my point with sad resignation, I would be in tears--like I am when telling anyone about Steve's condition. [Otherwise, my marriage is great, and the inconveniences and reminders are just splotches on the canvas of my daily life. These experiences are just my reality, and definitely working compassion and patience in me!]

I decided to write a letter, a pretty long one, giving Daddy the facts of Steve's condition, especially his limitations in communication and making plans. Hopefully, my letter will be received as a loving, respectful, yet direct request to communicate more sensibly. Not to worry--no one needs to lose even a smidge of manly independence! Just communicate.

We'll see how my letter is received. My closing consisted of declaring my faith in the love of Christ, whom Daddy has also received as his Savior, using 2 Corinthians 4:17-18: "Our light affliction, which is just for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory...for the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."