What's holding me back?

4:11 p.m. Today's project was to try out a new Botanical Effects skin care line over at my sales director Laurie's home. Five of us tried the new line for sensitive skin, and even a mask. It was very refreshing!

After the meeting, Laurie and I sat down to pin down my goals and write them down. First, my career goal in Mary Kay is being a sales director. We'd already talked about adding more team members, approaching more women and not "pre-judging" anyone. Who knows who might be looking for a change and would like to have their own business? Or just add income for their family or achieve a dream of their own? I have been seeing myself in that role, but perhaps not with the unfettered enthusiasm I'd like to have. Fear isn't holding me back, or doubt that I can achieve this goal. In fact, a big, scary goal like my earning the money to go to Israel, can be the best incentive imaginable!

She asked what was holding me back, other than a need to increase my activity, which I have been doing and enjoying thoroughly. I answered that's probably uncertainty about Steve's needs in the upcoming year, not knowing whether there will be more I'll be called to do, or if his Alzheimer's will call for full medical care, which I could not do--no regular person could. I hesitate when I think about my age, but my team is quite a bit younger, or close to my age, and doing great most of the time. Two prospective recruits are very enthusiastic, and prayerfully will join me this month. Laurie told me that both she and Cara, a director-in-qualification (both strong believers) have totally envisioned me in the role, and there is no logical reason why my vision should be lagging behind! For as Abraham Lincoln famously quoted Proverbs 28:19,

Where there is no vision, the people perish.

We wrapped up our conversation because I had to go over to my dad's house, but on the way, I tearfully asked myself the same question: "What is holding me back? What is it?"

Then I remembered something I had confessed to another consultant in our group hotel room at Seminar last July: my dread that I won't have anyone to share my success with. Steve won't be able to comprehend what I've accomplished or remember all of the hard work and small prizes and gifts I earned along the way. Physically he might not even be able to go to Dallas with me to see me go onstage to be recognized as a new director. Who would care for him during the rallies and meetings? I know that Steve (at least right now), my children and their spouses are cheering me on, but can any of them even get off work to attend a big award event?

It's just incredibly sad because Steve's worked so hard the last 30 years, supported our famliy, and me in particular, with everything the Lord has called me to do. To my finite mind, he deserves to share in the fruit of our MUTUAL labor. It's tough to maintain an eternal perspective when a new heartbreaking reality hits, isn't it?

My Mary Kay sisters from our unit and around the country will see to it that I'm encouraged, blessed, feted and enjoying every moment of prizes and my new role. Sales directorship will have been the earned result of good old hard work, which I love, whether as a wife and mom, Bible study teacher and ministry leader, even author and political officeholder. We will celebrate wonderfully together as sisters. most of whom are sisters in the Lord.

But at the end of the day, they'll go back to their hotel rooms or suites to their husbands, children or the single girls might even have their parents or siblings with them. Jesus will always be there as the One who loves me more than anyone ever could, but like the little boy who got scared of the dark and was assured that Jesus was there with him, according to the often-told story cried out, "I want someone with skin on!!" I think that most of us do, since God created us to be in relationship--friendship, marriage, family, and the church.

I'm not going to allow the devil to rip off my vision for my family and business with depressing thoughts about an event that hasn't even happened yet. The Lord is greater than my heart, mind and soul! His guidance is what I will seek and adhere to, not my melodramatic musings.

And the vision is here, just needs to be acknowledged, expressed and brought into reality!

Habakkuk 2:2-3 says,

Write the vision
And make it plain on tablets,
That he may run who reads it.
For the vision is yet for an
  appointed time;
But at the end it will speak, and it
  will not lie.
Though it tarries, wait for it;
Because it will surely come,
It will not tarry.

Better make my goal poster!