10:05 p.m. Today's project was to wake up an hour early, 5:00 a.m., to more actively seek the Lord in my many-sided discouragement. I had been praying and listening to Jesus, worshipping Him through praise songs in the night, yet not being delivered of the oppression of the enemy. Each devotional, Psalm and Proverb I read not only mirrored my heart's condition, but it allowed me to truly drink in scriptural wisdom and encouragement. At these times, I realize how much God loves me, and that His "calling and election are sure" (II Peter 1:10).
When times are difficult or even tragic, and I am tempted to despair, I don't seek to read particular verses or chapters I know will comfort me; I trust the Holy Spirit to bring them to my mind. I stay steadily and consistently on my daily reading plan, to allow the Lord to once again bring the perfect Word to me at the perfect time!
Spurgeon's devotional today reminded me that I am a stranger with Jesus in this fallen world (Psalm 39:12), and suffer trials, mental, emotional, and accusatory attacks accordingly. As He was, so are we in this world. I am a sojourner; this world is not my home nor destination!
I gained much-needed perspective for my mind, but I sought even closer communion with the Lord, so I went to my knees to pray strenuously from my soul, confessing and receiving forgiveness for any and all sins. He was even closer to me then! When I sat to read my scripture, the circle was completed with today's chapter, Psalm 42! Verses 1,3:
As the deer pants for the water brooks,
So my soul pants for You, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food day and night,
While they continually say to me,
"Where is your God?
Verses 5-6:
Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him
For the help of His countenance.
Prayer with my prayer partner, wise counsel from a leader in my life, and putting the counsel into practice soon lifted me back up to accomplish the ministry God had for me today.
There are very serious decisions that need to be made now for my Steve. He is stumbling about now and would be clueless as to what is happening if the caregivers and I didn't keep up a descriptive narrative for him, much as a mother does with a baby--"now we're getting in the car, let's get you strapped in, etc."
The Exelon patch isn't making any improvement, but neither did Aricept or Namenda. This is another deep slide downward for my husband that no medication can stop. I pondered the fact that the last time I'd visited my friend Barbara with her mom in Sun City, just last fall, Steve had been conversant, ate his food normally after having the choices delineated for him, and enjoyed his time with them. He would barely be recognizable now, hunched over, only sporadically verbal, and barely putting one foot in front of the other, shuffling.. .
Strengthened and encouraged by the Lord, I feel prepared now to have peace that passes understanding as Steve's final phase of Alzheimer's commences. My natural "Got to do something about this" personality needs to step back and stop seeking temporary fixes that Steve's doctors are even telling me are pointless. The neurologist and the primary physician have been telling me this, but Now my eyes are opened to truly see Steve as he is, for myself...
I'll let nature, or rather nauture's God, take Steve on the course He has laid out for him on his road to heaven!
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3:46 am here and praying for you. It's so true that the caregiver suffers more than the patient.
ReplyDeleteDearest Heavenly Father,
Take Dana each step of the way on this difficult path that You have chosen for her and Steve. At the end of her rope let her know that You will catch her and that there is hope because of Jesus' death and resurrection. Your Son is interceding at God's right hand for Dana, and there is nothing out of His control. She can't control things, but You, almighty God, are in control now. Amen.