Mileage points

4:08 p.m. Today's project was to hopefully sell some Mary Kay products at the hair salon, to either the operators or the other "regulars" like myself who have bought from me before. This is a regular prayer request in my journal every Friday morning, just like Steve can be counted on to move my inventory cart out to my Jeep before I leave for my standing 10:00 appointment!

Ever since my tax lady told me that I can deduct business miles back and forth to the salon since I demonstrate skincare and makeup each time, I never miss an opportunity to apply any new products on my own face, and on any beautician who is between clients. Proverbs 10:4 says, "the hand of the diligent maketh rich" (KJV). If my experience today is any example, my diligence makes my hand busy, which I guess could lead to riches!

Sue ran right up to me when she came in to do her first client, and said, "Hey! I need you! I need that really dark eyeshadow and a medium one!" So when my hair was done, I went out to the Jeep, and only had one of her selections in my mobile cart. Since I live only 7 minutes away, I went home, said hi to Steve who was keeping busy cleaning, grabbed the eye shadow, made a bank deposit, and turned around to deliver it. I went to the bank again, deposited the money, and stopped by Ralphs Canyon Crest to pick up a few items. I handed the checker an eyeshadow sample, and she excitedly said, "You do Mary Kay?!" "Yes, I do..." "You do Mary Kay?" "Yes!" She went on, "I normally use Lancome, but this lady had a black-brown pencil eyeliner on and she said it was Mary Kay. You got that?" "Oh, yes I do. Let me check in the car." I finished my order and went out to the cart, and guess what? I didn't have that shade in the car. So I told her I'd head back home (2 minutes away) and get it, Now my drive up and down hill to Ralphs became business mileage!

No dark brown eyeliner in my home inventory, drat! So I called my sales director Laurie to make a trade, got Steve's lunch made, sat down to eat my salad of chopped cooked pork, fried onions, parmesan and ranch dressing, laid hands on Heidi for her horrible cough, and headed down to my director's Wood Street house. On the way, I went over to Ralphs and gave the checker two sample-size dark brown pencils, which she was delighted to learn were free.

Laurie counseled me on finding a training meeting I can attend while Steve has someone at home with him, because on Thursday nights when our unit meets, Heidi goes to young adult Bible study at church. She knows of a director in my neighborhood who trains on Mondays, a night when Heidi has no commitments. Just might be a plan! She asked me if I have any anxiety over leaving Steve alone, and I answered that I'm more concerned lately, and will be adding Fridays to his caregiver's schedule. It's a great day to make those "on the go" sales, since many people get paid on Fridays. Tuesdays are another good night for an occasional facial or party, such as the one I am trying to work out for next week, so that Steve can still attend men's Bible study. As the Lord leads... if He opens a door, He'll make a way for me to walk through it!

My sale was completed by 3:00, and I rolled on up the hill once again, saw Steve off to walk the dogs, and perked a pot of decaf coffee to warm us both up when he returned. We hope to spend a

quiet evening together, maybe watching a Netflix movie "Rebecca," that we just received in the mail. It's been a rollercoaster week of peace and blessing, as well as shock and outbursts from the disease inflicted on Steve's brain.

Wisdom will definitely be called for, maybe including joining a support group as some have suggested, as we move into the midstage of Alzheimer's. Meanwhile, we can definitely use the cash God provided today!

A few hours off

5:37 p.m. Today's project was to get a second estimate for the damage to my Jeep's bumper, grille, and front light cover from my December 5th encounter with a rolling Christmas tree.

Before I left for my 2:30 appointment, we had to get our own Christmas tree out of the house, chop it in pieces, and throw it into our green waste dumpster. After Steve had some difficulties making appropriate decisions about this process on Tuesday night, I had invited my dad over to help out. "Two are better than one," Ecclesiastes 4:9 says, "because they have a good reward for their labor." So as soon as Steve and Daddy got the tree out of the house --after some confusion on Steve's part, including telling my dad he didn't know what he was doing!--I was able to give my attention to drying up water spilled from the tree stand and then launder the towels. The living room sure looks empty!

Heidi was home with a sore back and a cough, so after fixing Steve's lunch, I felt able to go out for a few hours. I wanted to pick up a few things at Vons in the Plaza, whose parking lot was mayhem for some reason; visit my friend and interior decorator Kay Hammar's antiques booth on Elizabeth Street; and then pick up a brain-boosting supplement, Phosphaditylserine (PS) that has seemed to bring Steve out of decline a few times over the past year at Clarke's Nutrition on Market Street. Then I completed the circle, as it were, at City Body and Frame on 14th.

As I drove around our part of town, Central Riverside, I felt utterly relaxed with the cool breeze coming through the vents, savored the discussion on talk radio about renewed respect for the Constitution, and generally praised the Lord for a few hours "off." Until I am by myself , I don't realize the strain I am under even when enjoying a fun outing with Steve. Driving becomes hard because he can often be distracting, spooking at things that are normal, alerting me (falsely) that I'm in the wrong lane, or about to get hit, etc. In the RV, I finally had to ask him to sit in the area behind the passenger seat, because of almost causing a couple of accidents. He misses driving, I know, and I am truly sorry about his disappointment. He sensibly agreed to give up driving last year, but it doesn't seem to have completely sunken in, by the way he fixedly stares out the front window and doesn't make conversation like a normal passenger would do. (As I happily did when he did all the driving. I loved being able to trust that responsibility to my husband!) Our drives have become very tense due to his fearfulness and paranoid delusions.

But safety has to come before sensitivity while steering a 3,000 lb. machine. I finally have learned to just keep on driving and harken back to my 43 years of driving experience, good driving record and sound judgment, no matter what Steve calls out. And the Lord has been faithful to give me nerves of steel behind the wheel!

Psalm 91:1-4 and 14-16 say in the NLT,

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High

will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

This I declare about the LORD:

He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;

He is my God, and I trust Him.

For he will rescue you from every trap

and protect you from deadly disease.

He will cover you with His feathers.

He will shelter you with His wings.

His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

The LORD says, "I will rescue those who love Me.

I will protect those who trust in My name.

When they call on Me, I will answer;

I will be with them in trouble.

I will rescue and honor them.

I will reward them with a long life

and give them My salvation."

That is a lot to trust God for, but my God is able!

Are we halfway there yet?

5:52 p.m. Today's project was to take Steve to Disneyland before our passes expire on January 7. I don't think we'll renew, because I already have concerns about our walking in crowds together in an orderly way, his ability to stay put when I need to use the restroom, and his decreasing amount of the speech and facial expressions that make companionship "companionable." I think it would be different if our grown kids had passes and we could go every now and again as a group, but they're still young and just beginning to establish the basics of own their lives.

Furthermore, I will quote Ecclesiastes 3:1 , "To everything there is a season." For us, Disneyland was a great investment in time away from home together as a couple. And we did have lots of fun laughing and goofing around, enjoying a kind of "second childhood," since we hadn't been to the Magic Kingdom in over a decade and never had been to California Adventure. But the effort to keep our time stress-free and relaxing is now--stressful. A lot happens with Alzheimer's in a year.

Finances are tight, but if Steve were more invigorated and able to take some amount of initiative, rather than me directing every aspect of the day, I might have considered a cheaper plan with a small monthly payment. But as I write this, I am exhausted. Imagine opening every single conversation, and not by choice; and never being able to switch drivers , no matter how bad traffic is on the 91 freeway after a tiring day, either. At least at home, my husband has tasks and hobbies that he can do independently, and other things we do together, like gardening, errands, pet care, and housework are comfortable routines.

Cramping my style today a bit was my neck having "snapped out" this morning, caused by a tense scene here at home last night. We had enjoyed a good day, with Steve having his caregiver over while I went to Bible study. In the evening, we went to church for his Men's Bible study and my Piecemakers meeting. At home later on, Heidi and I were relaxing in the family room watching a tv program and visiting, having invited Steve to sit down several times to no avail, when I looked up to see Steve with a flashlight, peering into the Christmas tree! We had removed the ornaments earlier in the afternoon, and I'd cautioned him twice about removing the string of lights, because of the tree being so prone to topple. "We are going to take it down Thursday, and you can chop it up outside in time to set out for Friday green waste pickup." He agreed each time and went to find something else to do. To my mind, that meant that the matter was dropped, but was I ever wrong!

My words apparently didn't register, because when Steve didn't answer my question about the flashlight, I went over to see what on earth was going on. I almost screamed, but thankfully, the Lord kept my vocal register down. There on the floor were branches he had been cutting inside the house, piled onto the carpet! And he had some yard clippers in his hand! "When do you ever cut up a tree in the house?!" I demanded to know. "You've always taken the tree outside, and cut it up for collection, every year for 29 years! And who would be doing this kind of thing at night?"

He had a strangely defiant look on his face, like a child who is mad he got caught. "I thought I'd start cutting it up." "In the living room? At night?" He had also untied the tree and knocked loose the board that was propping it up, so it now leaned precariously against the stairs!

When imentioned that I might need to put away the sharp tools, he stood by the door and stated, "If my tools are gone, I'll leave. " "Don't worry," I replied, "Someone will come and bring you home."

He settled down, but I was tense and shaken as he said, "I just have to keep busy, keep moving." As he headed upstairs to bed, I asked for prayer from my faithful Facebook friends without giving details, and then texted four of my kids for prayer, and blessedly received some compassionate but helpful safety advice. Looks like the plan I made with my dad to begin removing dangerous tools from our garage will need to be set in motion as soon as tomorrow when Daddy comes over to help Steve remove and cut up the tree.

"The prudent considers well his steps," Proverbs 14: 15b says. Well, it's time for majorly prudent steps! I need to keep Steve and our home safe, period. This is a responsibility I'm called to by the Lord as the wife of a dsiabled husband, and as the way to honor the vows we said in 1981.

"In sickness and in health."

The abundance of literature and scientific research I have on Steve's disease sets forth three stages: early, middle and late Alzheimer's. I think we are in the middle stage now, and even a very high dose of Aricept (23 mg) isn't helping. Symptoms include, and I am noticing:

Asking the same questions over again
Telling the same story over and over
Talking but words don't make much sense
Fidgeting with things
Walking around the house all the time
Fidgeting and acting nervous late in the day
Becoming easily upset and arguing about regular tasks

This list is taken from Coach Broyles' Playbook for Alzheimer's Caregivers, A Practical Tips Guide. Coach Frank Broyles, Athletic Director of the Arkansas Razorbacks, has put together a thoroughly researched but LOVING guide based on his years of caring for his beautiful wife. He emphasized forming a team of help and sharing in the care of your loved one with AD.

Lord, thank you that I too have a dedicated team of prayer warriors, children, friends, doctors, pastors and believing professional caregivers who are here for me, for Steve, and for our family. May Your will be done! In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Taking down [cultural] Christmas 2010

4:13 p.m. Today's project is to take down our Christmas decorations, now on our third day. Steve and I will probably be at it all week, with a break tomorrow to go to Disneyland and California Adventure one more time before our passes expire on January 7th.

The door, guest bath, mantle and window treatments came down Sunday; last night I removed the stair garland and lights, and returned the living room back to its normal condition. Today, Steve and his caregiver Frank vacuumed up the bits of fake garland from the stairs and now he is taking ornaments off the tree. Prayerfully by the weekend, I'll have put each ornament into its box. Even the remaining cookies were banished to the chest freezer in our garage for sugar 2011's inevitable sugar craving attacks.

Cultural Christmas will soon be no more at the Kruckenbergs'!

No grinch here, but I differentiate pretty sharply between the much-anticipated goodies, gifts, decorations, family celebrations and lavish holiday events of our culture and maintaining the scriptural integrity of the reason Jesus Christ came to earth.

I Timothy 1:15 states plainly, "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners..." Paul adds, "of whom I am chief." That's a statement I can identify with! Before January 6, 1980, I was a very bold sinner, doing whatever appealed to me and quite satisfied, generally, with the way things were going. For a divorced single mom, I wasn't doing too badly, building a career and earning a modest living in a professional setting. To my way of thinking, I was on my way up the ladder of success! But when invited to church one Sunday, I heard an altar call, a light came on, and realized that what I was seeking was Jesus Christ all along, and that following after material matters was just a rabbit trail leading away from the plan He had for my life!

I celebrated Christmas "religiously" the first 28 years of my life as an unbeliever, including caroling with our secularistic Methodist church. Our high school chamber choir visited rest homes with goodies and gifts. I loved it! And may those activities continue in our land, the charitable giving and performing uplifting music that warms hearts. Our family has carried on many of the same traditions.With the exception of leaving cookies out for Santa, Steve's and my Christian family enjoys our tree, handmade stockings, Christmas carols and all the festivities of the season. Our decorations include many more nativity sets than I grew up with, though!

But there is one major Difference! We know WHY we are celebrating Jesus' birth in a most personal way. He saved each one of our souls, He walks with us through this earthly life, and one day will receeve us into heaven, where He sits at the right hand of the Father.

Praise God we live in a land where we can still enjoy Christmas publicly, no matter what the sour-lemon crowd has to say! But let's keep Christmas as a private celebration as well--celebrating the Savior, who, John 1:14 says, "became flesh and dwelt among us."

And who died that we might live!

Christians are all like this (or that)

3:57 p.m. Today's project was to help Steven get to LAX from Fresno to drop off a friend for a flight. My job in the matter was to keep him posted on conditions on the I-5's mountain pass known as "the Grapevine" and pray. Last night was stormy, with ice and strong winds on that stretch of road, and the Grapevine was closed.

For this morning's trip south, we figured he could take the Bishop-Tehachepi 395 roundabout route, but even that was closed. Just as I'd heard recommended on KFI radio, he ended up taking the 26 to Highway 1, traveling on the coast through Pismo Beach. Quite a tedious day, and the 10:30 flight was missed, but they made it safely to LAX for his friend to attempt to go standby, and he's now on his way home. Heidi texted the Yahoo map directions I found from LAX to here so he could drive as efficiently as possible. No matter where he is, Steven's never alone, because the Lord is with him, and so are my prayers. And his mom made sure that his boneless, skinless chicken breast and tuna bodybuilding diet staples are on hand!

Even when we humans fail to meet all requirements, deliver a service on time, or have a wonderful attitude, we have assurance that God will not let anyone down who is counting on Him . Even though God's thoughts are not our thoughts, and His ways are not our ways (Isaiah 55:8-9), His ways are better, higher, surprising and perfect! As a believer in Jesus Christ, I have the privilege of going to my heavenly Father with any need, any time, for any or no particular reason...He loves me that much! Getting to know God through His Word and His myriad workings in my circumstances is the adventure of a lifetime!

A believer is bound to occasionally be a disappointing representative of our Lord, because we are still in flesh-and-blood bodies with varying temperaments, backgrounds, and emotions, cauising our reactions to be, like us, less than perfect. But that makes a sorry excuse for an unbeliever to defame Jesus Christ and the faith centered in Him! Saying, or even thinking--since God knows every thought of every human being who's ever been born or will be born-- "Christians are all like this or that!" makes as much sense as saying, "People are all like this or that!" It makes zero sense, harms the one saying such a thing, and could serve to keep them out of God's kingdom for all eternity.

My mother had a saying for that attitude: "Cutting off your nose to spite your face." I would hate to face God unsaved on Judgment Day, when He asks, "What did you do about My Son Jesus Christ?" and say, "Nothing. A Christian hurt my feelings in 2008." The hurt may have been real, but is harboring hurt a reason to reject Jesus Himself and spend eternity in hell?

Let it go...come to Christ NOW, and let Him work healing and reconciliation in His way, a higher and better way than you could ever imagine!

I'll close with a quote from Corrie Ten Boom:

Look around and be distressed;

Look within and be depressed;

Look at Christ and be at rest.

Gone for good

3:18 p.m. Today's project for the afternoon was to clip coupons and place them in labeled folders. Along with placing the new ones in their categories, I removed the expired ones.

Every New Year's Eve, while Steve and I struggle to stay awake until the ball drops, I go through all of my coupons and toss the ones that expire by 12/31. I guess with the planning and enjoying of our friends' company that evening, and then putting food away afterward, I forgot all about this mundane tradition.

I was amazed at the hundreds of coupons I threw into our paper receycling basket. Most of them were for food, but out went major savings on household sundries like light bulbs and pet food, and cleaning products I definitely could have used during the year. I thought about the times I hurriedly went into a store and couldn't be bothered to grab my coupons from the backseat of the Jeep. Just like shopping without a list--you're guaranteed to waste money!

Proverbs 18:9 covers this kind of un-diligent, careless behavior:

He that is slothful in his work is brother to him that is a great waster. Or as the NLT puts it, A lazy person is as bad as someone who destroys things.

That's pretty serious!

Even though I would have saved quite a bit of money using the coupons I missed, some were for products I thought I might try but didn't, items I bought generic versions of, or for items I wouldn't need before the expiration date, and I missed culling them out in a timely manner. But whatever the reason, those $ are gone for good by today's date, January 2, 2011.

Missed opportunities of a far more serious nature are part of our human story, aren't they? How many times could we have extended a helping hand or a compliment, but were too lazy, distracted or self-absorbed to do so? Could I have mentored someone or shared a task instead of doing it all myself, as if I am the only one God can use in a particular ministry? We neglect to introduce ourselves to a new neighbor and in these hard times, they move again before we take the time. Could I have used better discretion? And I can't think of one believer who hasn't chickened out of a witnessing opportunity!

Once the particular moment to be thrifty, speak up, or do good passes, it's gone for good!

God knows and understands us, the way we sometimes don't listen to His voice, or dismiss it as our imagination when we want to go in our own direction. "He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust"(Psalm 103:14). But we must repent and act in a way that honors Him, for our own good and the good of those around us. "Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially to those who are of the household of faith"( Galatians 6:10).

However merciful and patient the Lord is with us, there is one opportunity we dare not pass up, and that is the opportunity to accept Christ as Savior, to become a born again Christian. God offers each person a number of chances to repent and be saved, whether He directly speaks to our conscience, or through a person witnessing. I know I was confronted with the truth of my need for Jesus Christ several times before I acted upon what I heard 31 years ago. But don't wait! Each 24 hours brings us closer to Christ's return, and eventually it will be too late...you will have chosen your fate! God pleads with you to come to Him, but time is running out for life as we know it in this world, OR, your own life could be ending today. Think about that for a minute! I'll close with these words from scripture:

It is appointed for men to die once, but after this the judgment (Hebrews 9:27)

And then your opportunity will be gone for good!

Scheduling the impossible

5:17 p.m. Today's project was to create a 2011 desk calendar.

Last Christmas, I received a beautiful light cherrywood desk calendar from Levenger that fits nicely on the end of my kitchen counter. Its ringbound filler is long and streamlined, with just the right amount of space to pencil in my appointments, Bible studies, meetings and notes. Unlike many daytimers, the first day on the left is Sunday, not Monday. I love that, because the Lord's Day really is the start of a believer's week. The calendar sits propped forward at a tilt, with room for pencils, pens, business cards, erasers, pins and paper clips at the back, where they don't become unsightly.

"Time for a refill," I noted to family members, circling the item in the catalog, but apparently no one wanted to repeat a gift. And I guess a calendar refill is a little on the dull side, unless you are a task-oriented nerd like me. The finances were (and are) tight, causing me to concentrate on gifts for others, so what was I to do? The last page only goes until today!

A few days ago, the Lord gave me the idea of turning the refill over, where the opposite sides are printed with blocked-out spaces for notes and events. Why not get a ruler and a 2011 wall calendar, or scroll down on the one on my cell phone, and create a 2011 calendar myself? Bless the Lord, who is so creative and attends to even relatively trivial needs of His children. I am so grateful that He does! So I began the project, reminiscing about the way I used to fill in all the dates in my teacher's grade book. I told my teacher daughter Heidi who was seated nearby at the kitchen table, that somehow, writing each date in ahead for every nine-week quarter made the year seem shorter! "Holiday here! Minimum day there! Off for parent conferences, or field trips, or all-day events." Once you have visualized all the way to Christmas break, spring break or the last day of school, you think, "Yes! I can survive!" A teacher can truly say, "Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. (Psalm 90:12 )

Much as I enjoyed my 18 year teaching career, I don't regret my 2009 retirement--at least not yet! God's timing is perfect, always.

As I continued measuring and drawing out the year while watching the Rose Parade, it became fun to jot in birthdays, Easter, holidays, anniversaries, and Heidi's wedding. Some dates in August I don't have yet, like Steven's collegiate national bodybuilding competition in Milwaukee, or the day for Steve's and my renewal of vows and 30th wedding anniversary celebration. I'm now most of the way through, noting Patriot Day September 11th-- so deeply sad, but worthy of 2011's 10-year commemoration. As the calendar dates come to an end, wonderful Thanksgiving and glorious Christmas will be marked in, and maybe I'll add a little decoration on each of their pages...it is my personal calendar after all!

Some events are not only impossible to calendar, but completely unknowable. When will an unsaved loved one come to Christ? When will a backslider return? Will a new baby be on the way for any of our young marrieds? What ministries will any of us be called to? What will Steve's Alzheimer's condition be like in 2011, or will God heal him? Whom will God call into eternity among our family and friends? Will God summon the Church home in the Rapture?

All of those possibilities are definitely on God's calendar, as He reaches out of infinity into our time-blocked world, but we humans can only speculate, hope, pray, or wonder.

And that's the excitement of being alive--especially, being alive in Christ!