It all broke free

3:31 p.m. Today's project was to attend Bible study at church, a "Breaking Free" video session by Beth Moore. The topic was, generally, the difference between our expectations of happiness and God's plans for our eternal joy.

One key verse was Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Members of the group pointed out that focusing on God changes the desire of your heart to the desire of His heart; or as I see it, after 30 years of walking with and serving the Lord, God knows our hearts better than we do, and eventually we will find that what He gives us [our lot in life] will be so wonderful that we couldn't have known to ask for it!

The desires of my heart, once I became a Christian, were to have a godly marriage and family, learn the Bible, grow in my understanding of the Lord, and fulfill the ministries God called me to. Through many "toils and snares" the enemy has put in my path, I can honestly say that God has very abundantly given me the desires of my heart--a wonderful marriage and four children to join my son from my first marriage. I even have two grandsons! The ministries He has entrusted me with have gone beyond teaching Bible studies, and like our women's ministry director Robin shared, I too have many daughters in the faith--such a humbling concept for any of us, beyond my wildest dreams. And the Lord has granted me the time and ability to prepare a book for publication--something I barely dared to hope for! I love another scripture that was brought to life for us today, I Corinthians 2:9:

Eye has not seen, nor ear heard,

Nor have entered into the heart of man

The things which God has

prepared for those who love Him.

I can testify to those verses, but I still won't have any comprehension of the true rewards God has planned for His children until I step into His presence in heaven!

But here is where I had a "breaking free" of my own during the video, quite unexpectedly! As Beth Moore spoke of the way that our very dreadful trials, like my 2003 bout with breast cancer and Steve's Alzheimers today, are meant for our holy beautification by God, that the Father might "show us off" to His Son! One passage I have always found strengthening came to my mind just now, Malachi 3:16-17a:

Then those who feared the LORD spoke to one another,

and the LORD listened and heard them;

So a book of remembrance was written before Him

For those who fear the LORD

And who meditate on His name.

"They shall be Mine," says the LORD of hosts,

On the day that I make them my jewels." (italics mine)

During the video, I just lost it, and all of my pent-up tears of sadness and sorrow for our current situation, in which I am losing my husband as I've known him, and have already lost both of our incomes, just stated rolling down my face, non-stop. I carry little Kleenex packets so I kept discreetly dabbing my cheeks, to no avail, but I kept it up. Praise the Lord for the loud and compelling video, because no one was looking my way at all, even though I sit in the front row and most of the lights were on. My time to "get it together" was running out, because at the end of the session, a number of us step forward to pray with ladies who have a need.

As we were taught today, however, a believer cannot minister effectively to others unless they have suffered deep tribulation themselves--period. So as God is ordaining or allowing us to hurt and lack the amenities we are so used to, He is fitting us for service in the Body. He's giving us "street cred!"

My trusty Mary Kay waterproof mascara never ran, my eyeshadow didn't crease, and I was able to stand up, walk a few feet and pray with a good friend. By focusing on her needs, I put aside my own once again for the time being. Another sister told me I really looked tired as we were leaving, but she probably meant, "What hit you?!" I had awakened in the middle of the night, so that was a truthful response I could offer in the few seconds' exchange as we walked up the sanctuary aisle to the exit.

There's no telling whether God has a specific ministry for me on this side of heaven that will open up, if He is strengthening my empathy for others, or allowing a lengthy trial for purposes I cannot fathom... but I do know this, that my eyes and ears have not seen or heard, nor have I even imagined, the things that God has prepared for me!