4:17 p.m. Today's project was to coordinate the details of the Jeep's transmission repair with our mechanic Steve Kirkwood. If it weren't for his professionalism and fair prices, I'd be looking at coming up with the cost of both mortgage payments to have our dealer Moss Motors repair it!
Despite my utter ignorance of car matters, having never even changed oil or a flat tire on any of the cars I've owned the last 40 years, there's simply no one else to handle this. My husband Steve, now having taken a turn for the worse with his Alzheimers, doesn't even recognize our mechanic, and showed little interest in visiting with him while he checked out some details under the chassis this morning. Yet, my Steve was such an expert mechanic all of his life that he used to rebuild engines, and would have gone to Pick-a-Part to get a used tranny or look up rebuilts in the Yellow Pages, and then arrange for a shop of his choice to repair my Jeep!
Honestly, to back up a couple of steps, Steve would have insisted that the dealership do a complete transmission flush at 60,000 miles, so that the transmission would not even have imploded in the first place! But there was simply no one else but me to handle it.
Nor did Steve acknowledge the drop-off of a loaner car from Matt and Sam, despite them coming over while he was here with his caregiver last night. Good thing I told them to leave the key with his caregiver! This morning, I took Steve out to the driveway with me to give the stick shift Ford Focus a try, praying it would jog some youthful memories and I'd get some direction. But he didn't even tell me to step on the clutch to get the car to turn over, and was as perplexed as I was when the car rolled backward onto the sidewalk. I haven't driven a manual transmission since 1967 in Driver's Ed at Redlands High School, with my dad taking me out in his VW bug in the evenings. Steve's Nissan Pathfinder had a stick, and he's licensed to drive forklifts, and could even drive a semi! Now he doesn't drive at all...
It dawned on me that the car hadn't turned over--duh--and I managed to finally step on the clutch, back out onto the street and park away from the mailboxes and fire hydrant, and was done for the day! Thank you Lord that I didn't kill myself or anybody else, or take out the mailboxes! Truly, as Lamentations 3:22-23 says (KJV),
It is of the LORD's merceis that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
In sending so many friends to come alongside us in our current trials, not only has God shown His utter and immutable faithfulness, but He has shown me, and prayerfully other women who may read this, the value of a husband!
Not one of the issues that arose this week would have even happened if my husband were in his right mind. The Jeep's tranny issue was preventable; Steve would not have left the gate open for the dogs to escape; he would have had the front door repaired within the hour. We now have inoperable sprinklers that were part of an extensive automatic watering system Steve created and controlled for 23 years that I can barely operate manually; lost keys to the 6 foot tall professional tool chest that would be the envy of any full-time mechanic, now not even saleable; misplaced household items that cause me no little amount of stress when I need them; lack of fatherly mentoring for our youngest son, and Steve's minimal interations with our children's spouses who will never know him as the funny, energetic, hardworking, high successful, godly family leader and example he was--how much Alzheimer's has stolen from our family in the past two years!
I rarely reflect on what I've lost personally, because scripture and my personal bent is toward "pressing toward the mark" (Philippians 3:14), looking forward to God's next fresh work. I do feel sad when I think of the legacy we have built together as a couple--a legacy of a Christ-cenered, if imperfect, family life from which he won't reap the reward of personal satisfaction meant to grace the last years of life. One of God's great gifts to believers is the thousands of memories of His faithfulness, and the ability to reflect upon a life lived for Him, surrounded by children and grandchildren, looking into young adult and eventually, middle-aged faces and remembering the happy noisy children they once were. And what is sweeter than sitting with long-time friends, sharing memories and ministries we once did together?
These gifts are not for Steve to open.
While we still have great times together as a couple, and share the Lord together in prayer and the Word, time is running out, pure and simple. Steve took a very bad turn for the worse this week, which many are praying was caused by the wedding and lots of compnay at home, a break in Steve's routine. If his current confusion is not a fluke but a harbinger, then the Lord will carry us forward without sugarcoating, but with comfort, guidance, help and the deep joy that comes from accepting His will.
That's why we're planning our renewal of vows for our 30th anniversary August 6th, so Steve may enjoy the blessings, love and well wishes of friends and family while he can.
As he valiantly tries to do his best with simple every day tasks, always wanting to be productive and helpful, I value my husband even more!
Hello. I found your blog from Living With Alzheimer's. My husband has vascular dementia and has also taken a turn for the worse. Both you and your husband seem young to be dealing with Alzheimer's. Does he have early onset Alz? My husband will be 60 next month. He was diagnosed at 56. He has lost more and more these past four years. He also could take engines apart and put them back together. He has not driven for more than a year now. He only talks rarely and those are one to two words. I would love to talk with you if you would be interested. I am so broken hearted for my husband's health. There is a weariness that never goes away. My email is basketdoll2002@yahoo.com if you would like to correspond. I pray your husband is having good days. God Bless! Mary
ReplyDeleteHi Mary, it sounds like you had a few more good years with your husband than I did, with Steve beginning a series of firings at age 52. I am sure every moment is precious now, especially times when your husband can speak. Do you have friends, church,exercise, crafting, music or a caregiver support group to spend time with? You'll be energized by others, even if just for an hour or two.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,and I will email you.
Dana